


Four Times John Almost got Married and One Time it Stuck.

by melagan



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: M/M, SGA Secret Santa 2014
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-02
Updated: 2015-01-02
Packaged: 2018-03-04 21:23:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3090494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melagan/pseuds/melagan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Exactly what is says in the title.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Four Times John Almost got Married and One Time it Stuck.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [squidgiepdx](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=squidgiepdx).



#

He'd barely lifted the ceremonial goblet to his mouth when Teyla hissed, "Spit it out!" and poked John hard in the ribs. "Now!"

She looked wild-eyed and frantic, and John wasn't willing to bet it was her bony knuckle he felt in his ribs and not a knife. Dutifully, he spat his mouthful of wine onto the ground.

Adopting an air of casual, _Wine? What wine on the ground?_ just in case the natives took offensive, he took a cautious look around at the circle of men and women gathered around them. He breathed a sigh of relief. They didn't look happy; in fact, several expressions seemed downright hangdog, but no one was reaching for weapons.

On the walk back to the Stargate, John asked, "Teyla, what was that all about?"

"Young Natarn accidently passed you a drink reserved for those intended to bind their futures together. Had you swallowed the sacramental wine, we would have been married."

"Good call, then." John suppressed a shudder. "No offense."

"None taken," she said, sounding far too relieved.

##

"You called it the Taskmaster Blood Ceremony," John said. Discomfort prickled along his backbone as he realized he couldn't avoid this conversation. Clearly, it was important to Ronon. If not, he would never have brought it up. "It's something you do when, exactly?"

He wasn't the only one feeling uncomfortable. Ronon looked ready to eat his own arm off. If this were anyone else, he'd give him a friendly fist bump to the shoulder and a hearty 'buck up'. Not to mention, John had never seen Ronon off-balance like this. "Is it that bad, buddy?"

"Could be." Ronon muttered, pinning his gaze to a spot on the wall over John's shoulder. After an uncomfortable pause, he said, "Spiderman."

"Ah." John got it. "With great power comes great responsibility."

Ronon breathed a relieved sigh. "Yeah."

John waited. "Look, the door is locked, not that anyone but Lorne comes to my office anyway, so we're not going to be disturbed. Whatever you've got to say, say it."

"Everyone here knows you have power. Not just because of your military command but because the power of the Ancients is in your blood. You could rule Atlantis if you wanted to. But you don't. Instead, you do everything you can to help the people here. On Sateda, we would honor that."

"By the Taskmaster Blood Ceremony," John said. "Got it."

"During the ceremony, the honored warrior chooses a consort to serve him for one year."

"Jesus, Ronon, if the next words out of your mouth are nudity or blood, I don't want to hear it."

"There is no one left on Sateda, Sheppard. No brides for you to choose from. As the last of my people, I can only offer myself."

"No offense to your culture," John said, as calmly as possible, recognizing that it had taken a lot for Ronon to make that offer. "But you might have noticed we have a different way of bestowing honor. One I think we should go with instead."

"Speeches and medals?"

"Pretty much. Look, I'll get Rodney to make us a special medal. We'll do it up right with a ceremony, one that involves booze not bondage, and we'll call it square."

"Good," Ronon said. "Medals are a lot better than living with you for a year. No offense."

"None taken. Hey," John said, noticing the expression on Ronon's face. "Have you been talking to Teyla? Because I wasn't offended before, but now I'm wondering if I should be."

 

###

"Hey, McKay," John called out, bounding into the lab. He threw his arm over Rodney's shoulder, knowing it would jostle the laptop in his hands. "Did you get the message? Elizabeth wants to see us."

Rodney shot him a brief glare, but he shut his laptop down. "I hate it when she calls us to an unscheduled meeting. It's never good news."

"No, it isn't. Keeping her waiting isn't going to make it better."

John shrugged when Rodney rolled his eyes. Despite his reluctance, Rodney made John proud when walked into the meeting with his game face on. Words between them weren't necessary. Whatever shit might hit the fan, clearly, Rodney had his back. It put a bounce in John's step all the way to Weir's office.

The first thing he noticed was that she had a cup of tea on her desk. That was good. She was letting it sit, getting cool while she fidgeted with a pencil. That was bad. Rodney was apparently familiar with the signs too. He stayed quiet as they both waited for Elizabeth to say something.

"John, Rodney, please sit. I wanted to talk to you about our latest transmission from the SGC." She took a deep breath. "I have - oh, dear - I don't know quite how to say this, but the IOA has made a particular request of you, Colonel."

"Request or demand?" Rodney asked.

"Demand," she admitted. "One I'd like to make clear I don't agree with. The IOA has made a case that you lack a certain stability, John."

"Like flying a nuke into a Hive ship?" Rodney blurted.

"That's one of the examples the IOA used, yes."

"What's the punch line, Elizabeth?" John asked.

"They want you to get married."

"Oh, really." He took the stack of folders Elizabeth handed him.

"You realize what they really want?" Elizabeth asked.

"They intend to get one of their people onto Atlantis to spy on us." Rodney huffed. "And this excuse is the best they could come up with?"

"Apparently." With a shake of her head, she added, "I'm so sorry, John. My hands are tied. From their perspective, you're the perfect -"

"Patsy? Chump? Measly excuse?" John deadpanned. "Glad I could keep them entertained."

"I was going to say _choice._ Now that you have your new rank of Lt. Colonel, they've given up trying to replace you as head of Atlantis' military."

"Thank god for that," Rodney said. "Now then." He leaned forward, elbows on the table and shot her a half-smile. "What aren't you telling us, Elizabeth?"

Her eyes sparkled in mischief, but she kept her expression somber. "The IOA is so desperate to get one of their own settled in Atlantis that they've - let's just say they've conceded that Atlantis isn't bound by all American military regulations. Read through the folders. You'll find they've given you quite an assortment of applicants to choose from, John."

Back in his room - not that he was alone, of course; Rodney had dogged his every step - and now Rodney peered over his shoulder as John spread a dozen folders across his desk. When he didn't flip through the folders fast enough to suit Rodney's curiosity, he reached around John and did it himself.

"This is the best they could do? Idiots. I could build you a blow up doll with more personality and a higher IQ than this pick of candidates. I can't believe the IOA honestly expects you to shackle yourself to any of these fools."

His marriage options covered various nationalities, and leaned heavily toward the female, but two of the prospects were men: a scientist from Sweden and - wow - a Mountie. The IOA really was trying to cover all their bases. From what John could see, more than a few held degrees, were generally attractive, and in the right age range. Not that any of them appeased Rodney, not even the Mountie.

John stepped back and watched the show as Rodney methodically and mercilessly tore every candidate to shreds, both verbally and by writing his opinions in bold, red marker across their faces. It was the best fun he'd had in days.

"Woolsey isn't going to be happy, McKay," John said, when Rodney finally ran down.

"You let me worry about Woolsey and the IOA. Just pretend to go along for now."

When the subject of marriage never came up again, John didn't investigate too closely. Sure, he could have asked Elizabeth but the fact that she avoided Rodney for a week told him all he really needed to know.

####

As off-world negotiations went, Elizabeth held her own and John admired her for that. She had a different way of doing it than Teyla. Less - we have a common enemy and we must work together, and more - I am the boss of Atlantis and we should come to a mutual agreement because it's good for both of us.

She had chops all right but at the moment she looked kind of startled. Catching Lorne's eye, John was glad to see he'd noticed it too and was equally ready to act if trouble broke out.

"You have a fine harem, Dr. Weir. You must be very wealthy," Speaker Thivong said. The old woman handled all the trade agreements for the Olanga tribe and had clearly been doing so for years. She spread her hands in a welcoming gesture and smiled a toothless grin. "Yes, so many fine, young men. What could we possibly give in a fair exchange to one so rich?"

John could see Elizabeth's mouth moving but no words came out.

"That one, the one with the remarkable hair," Thivong continued. "He is your number one consort, is he not? I see how he watches you and any that come close. Ah, it's been a long time since I owned a consort so jealous of my attentions." She leaned nearer to Elizabeth and chuckled. "Like you, in my youth, I had much vigor." With a sly hand gesture that would put some of the marines to shame, she added, "It seems we have a common bond after all. Yes, we will trade with you, Dr. Weir."

It disturbed him that he just knew Elizabeth was entertaining the thought of playing along. John could see it on her face. He could even understand it, if it got them a better deal. Inwardly, though, he cringed. Lorne didn't look like he loved the idea either.

Thank god, Elizabeth's common sense ruled. "Yes, Colonel Sheppard is a member of my... but I don't... I mean - there are no harems in Atlantis." Ruefully, she added, "Let's try this again. Yes, I am head of Atlantis but Colonel Sheppard is not my number one consort. At most, he would be number two as my - ah - first consort, Simon, is away tending to other responsibilities. If I had a harem."

Thivong reached out and patted Elizabeth's hand. "You seem confused. Dealing with many husbands can do that, I know. I suggest you exercise much vigor when you get back to your Atlantis. It clears the mind, wonderfully. When you are done and they are exhausted, come back. Then we will trade!"

#####

There it was again, that soft ping on his internal radar that no one else seemed aware of. John associated it with Atlantis when the city was trying to get his attention and he'd learned to listen. This time, it led him to a glowing dot on the transporter map. He almost radioed Rodney but first he wanted to confirm his suspicions.

The transporter took him to the top level of a tower with an excellent view of the puddle jumper bay. But instead of empty rooms, it seemed the entire floor had been turned into an expansive apartment. He'd been right. Not only did Rodney know all about it but he was responsible for it. John knew this because Rodney was staring at him now and looking more like a deer caught in the headlights than the city's chief scientist.

"McKay? What the hell have you been up to?"

"Would you believe it's a wedding gift?"

"What?" Of all the things Rodney might have said, that was the last one John expected. "Does this have something to do with that time the IOA wanted me to get married?"

"Well, yes. Granted, my plan worked in getting you off the hook but we didn't know that at the time. I was hardly going to let you and your idiot spouse live in substandard housing. Not if I could do something about it." Rodney gestured widely. "Hence, this."

John turned slowly on his heel, taking in a dozen little details about the space. "Wait. What plan?"

"Didn't I tell you my plan?"

John narrowed his eyes. "No, McKay, you didn't. What did you do?"

Rodney cleared his throat. "I decided to help Mr. Woolsey with the IOA's choice of candidates and sent him a few judicious comments. After all, complete honesty is a fair and reasonable approach in the assessment of something as important as prospective marriage partners. Woolsey should be thankful that I helped."

"Judicious comments. Like the ones you wrote all over the folders?"

"Someone had to detail the massive flaws in the IOA's selection. I even offered to help select new, appropriate candidates. Hmm, I don't know why he didn't take me up on that." Rodney paused. There was a definite twinkle in his eye. "Maybe sending him the life-size rubber doll with IOA stamped on its ass was overkill?"

"Ya think?" John tried not to laugh. Didn't mean he wouldn't pay good money to see ....

"Forget it, Sheppard, there's no picture. Sorry."

Pieces clicked into place; pieces that had been there all along. John had just been too busy to notice.

What?" Rodney asked, frowning.

"Someone might interpret that as... jealousy." John took a step closer. "Is there something you'd like to tell me?"

"No?"

"Try again." John nodded toward the windows with a sky-wide view. He'd be able to see every puddle jumper land and take off from here. Not to mention this location lay conveniently near a transporter. Not so close they'd hear the comings and goings of every passerby, yet near enough to get to quickly in an emergency. "You picked this place out, Rodney, and it couldn't be more perfect."

He took another step forward and smiled. Rodney hadn't backed up and John hadn't expected him to. "You picked this place out when you thought I'd be paired up with someone picked by the IOA. I'm impressed. But I'm more impressed by how much thought you put into it, not just what I liked but what you liked too.

"You have plenty of room for every laptop you own and a big-ass whiteboard. Hell, I bet if I walked in the next room, I'd see it already set up. Maybe you should ask yourself why you picked a place perfect for both of us?"

Rodney's jaw snapped shut. "I don't have to answer that!"

John raised his eyebrow.

Rodney glared and crossed his arms across his chest. If John leaned in even an inch, they'd be touching. "You're delusional, Sheppard, if you think I did this for us - us as a couple I mean, because that would be ridiculous."

"Is it delusional that you've sketched out rectangles on the walls, the exact shape of your diplomas with a space in the center the exact outline of my Cash poster?"

"Oh."

"Yes, _oh_. I might have missed it before, but not now. You and me, Rodney, we've been married all along. I just didn't notice because we haven't been having any sex."

"Took you long enough." A smile played over Rodney's mouth. "You know, Sheppard, about that sex thing. I say we fix it right now."

Rodney's curled his hands in John's shirt preventing him from going anywhere. That suited him just fine. "I want to clear up one thing first, McKay."

"What? You finally get a clue and you still want us to wait to have sex?"

"We're not waiting, Rodney, but after, we're going to talk to Elizabeth about making it official. Look at it this way; you'll be protecting me from the next time the IOA gets a brilliant idea."

"Right, right," Rodney mumbled against his mouth.

John stopped thinking and went with it. Rodney's mouth was warm, demanding, and made shivers run down his spine. Besides, they could always argue over who got to be the bride later.

~*~


End file.
